


Lampenis: A personal encounter

by MiracleFishyBitch



Category: Outlast (Video Games)
Genre: Crack, I wrote a story after reading a friend's crappy fic, Mary is the creator of the fic so i only thought it deem necessary to make her the protagonist, The legend of Lampenis, crackfic, im not going to heaven, im sorry friendo, please dont judge me, this story wont be complete
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-07-21
Updated: 2018-08-25
Packaged: 2019-06-13 20:35:52
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death
Chapters: 2
Words: 2,101
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15372813
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MiracleFishyBitch/pseuds/MiracleFishyBitch
Summary: Before you even think about reading this mess, please check out this before doing so; https://www.wattpad.com/story/155893667?utm_source=ios&utm_medium=link&utm_content=story_info&wp_page=story_details&wp_uname=OneSadisticBitch&wp_originator=U5TyWj%2Bbix9G2IwyuUIFqowK%2B4XOPWTmWu%2B0ZLSvBGVXPUCYHXBDy%2BO8agslNP%2F9kK7jZvdiw2Uzb%2BnltMqRtmX3QiRU7dwG9NPkgNy6PvROpQWUJ%2BpudUEeXXfaQcG2&_branch_match_id=479851172979210149





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

  * For [One_sadistic_bitch](https://archiveofourown.org/users/One_sadistic_bitch/gifts).



> So um, I wrote garbage instead of updating Bride to be.
> 
> This is the story in it's full glory, no edits, no corrections, no changes, no nothing. Just pure and upper trash.  
> Enjoy.

See Mary was an alcoholic, she enjoyed abusing the liquid - especially while driving. She was a little peeved about being hacked while streaming VR chat, with Anime hentai titties appearing on the screen during the stream. That's the reason she went for a drive.

But if she didn't drive that night, didn't stream that night or didn't get pissed that night; she wouldn't have never encountered her demise.

The front of her mustang just hit some lunatic, some pervert decide to dress has a box with his small peas hanging out. God sickos these days, thinking of more creative ways to disturb the public.

"The fuck...?" Mary squint her eyes as she stopped the car, the engines now rumbling quietly in the silent night.  
Mary stepped out her car and looked over, to see the boxed man laying on the road. But when Mary looked closer she knew it was no man. It had the legs of a crippled kid, the body of a IKEA box, the ears of a cat. And that moment she knew what she hit; it was Lampenis.

Mary knew what needed to be done and what to do.  
She quickly walk to the trunk of the mustang and grabbed out some rope, a blowtorch and lighter fluid. She walked back to the front of car, thankful to still find the bane of her existence still squirming on the ground. The lampenis had fell on his back and with futile and pathletic attempts of trying to roll back up. It was like watching a turtle trying to roll back over.

Mary begun to tie the creature around with the rope and pour the lighter fluid on his boxy body.  
Soon she begun to drag the lampenis to the cliff of the road, the roaring waves crashing against the rocks below.  
Mary held them up and whispered in their ear.  
"Get rekt scrub."  
She said before lighting them on fire with the blow torch and pushing them off the edge.

She watched as their miserable form fell and rolled down the rocky cliff, it was like watching a turd being flushed away.

Finally, her nightmare, it's over. Mary took a deep sigh of relief as she walked back to her car and turned on the radio, where they were talking about the gospel.  
"Oh yes, I love the Christian radio!"  
She said with delight.

Soon she drove back home, the alcohol in her system dying down and so she down another bottle. It always helped her go to sleep.

Soon she went inside, glad to be home again. She tried to drink more from the bottle but was soon to find out she ran out of beer. So she threw the bottle outside, creating more shard pieces at the front. You see she was Irish so she had a high tolerance to drinking and why she was an alcoholic.

When she walked up the stairs to her bedroom, she couldn't help but freeze as she looked at the corner. See something was different, her Tsukiyama Shuu body pillow was missing. Oh no, her husbundo was gone!

And as right on cue, the phone started to ring. So she picked it up,  
"Hello..." She asked, still traumatized of the absence of her Tsukiyama Shuu.

"Someone been telling stories outside of class..." The voice on the other end spoke. This only freaked Mary out more.

"Who is this and where is my waifu!?" She yelled in the phone.

"The backyard, turn on the lights..."  
Before Mary could reply, the person on the other end hung up.  
Mary gulp as she panicked a little. Should she go investigate? She has no other choice and she needed to know what happened to her husbundo.  
So she went, quietly walking down the stairs, holding the phone tightly in her sweaty palms. 

Soon she walked down from the stairs and pass the kitchen, and where the wide screen of the back door was. It was pitch black and she could barely see a thing, it only put her more on edge.

The phone rung again

"H-hello..." Mary answered the phone with a shaky voice.

"Turn on the lights..." The voice on the other end demanded.

Soon Mary did as the man asked, extended her arm to the wall and flip the switch on. And she widen her eyes in horror. It was Tsukiyama Shuu, the body pillow hung by a thread of rope that was tied to back porch's roof.

Bleah was poured all over the pillow with a few cuts across the fabric, a cut out hole at the supposedly crotch on the pillow. This sick bastard, what has he done to Tsukiyama!?

Mary dropped the phone as she screamed, tears prick at the edge of her tear ducts as she cover over her mouth.  
Before she could mourn the death of her waifu, something was rustling in the bushes at the far back.  
Soon he came into view, the box figure relieving itself in the light. Soon the lampenis burst both of his puny arms out of both sides of the box, hopping forward to Mary slowly. The lampenis was hip thrusting his way to the door were Mary stood in horror.

She wasted no time and ran away from the back door, running to the other end of the house. she heard the breaking of glass shattered behind her. Oh no, he broke in.


	2. the howl of midnight

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ahhh, you can read but it's mostly just nonsense to people who aren't apart of Team Rick

Mary was in her home, downing another beer bottle while watching her favourite anime; Green green. Soon her peace was soon disturbed by a familiar yelling voice.

"MARY YOU FAT ASS, GO FIX THE TOILET! THE GHOST IS TRYING TO GET IN AGAIN." Mexican Emily yelled.

Mary sighed like a moaning anime girl and rolled her eyes, not even looking at her friend.

"Later, I'm up the part where they fish a girl's shirt off. Isn't other Emily suppose to do it? That's her job." Mary agrue back.

"Dammit Mary you fool, she got stuck in the fourth dimension while dimension hopping, trying to discover if anime jesus was a thing."

Mary groaned and paused the tv, rolling off the couch like a liquid cat and stood up. "Alright, I'll do it."

"Thank you, also I'm going shopping." Amingo Emily said while walking to the front door and pulled up a shoot gun that leaned next to the frame of the doorway. She cocked the gun as her other hand was ready to open the door. "Also don't forget to feed the thing downstairs."

Before Mary could agrue, Emily threw the door open viewing the post-apocalyptic world. She yelled as she ran out closing the door behind her, her battle cry sounded like a guinea pig on helium.

Soon Mary moved to the task at hand and made her way upstairs where the bathroom was. She was so slump and disforced she didn't notice that there was a dark figure leaning by the wall outside the bathroom. Mary grabbed a plunger and made haste to the toilet that was glowing green from under the lid of The bowl. "Time to get back in the sewer, you damn ghost." Mary said while pointing dramatically at the toilet, she even felt a gust of wind as she did so. She felt awesome.

She opened the toilet lid and the glowing green soon brighten up the dim room, Mary huffed and frown as she raised the plunger high above her head. She made aim and drove the toilet plunger deep in the toilet, diving it deep in the poopy water. Soon the plunger started to rattle aggressively and she let go, the plunger now disappearing in the toilet.

"Darn ghost!" Mary cried with anger as she shook her fist. "Now what am I suppose to use..." She thought and her eyes wandered to her hand, she was hesitant but she had to. She near her hands to the poopy pee-pee water but luckily, a voice stopped her before she could touch it.

"I think I have a better situation, Amingo." Spoke a deep, masculine Spanish voice.

Mary sighed, already knowing the owner of the voice. "Dammit Jess, amingo is Mexican." She said as she looked outside the bathroom to see the dark cloaked figure standing outside the room.

"It's both, you uncultured swine." Jess spat and flung her dark cloak in front of her in a dramatic pose. "But none the less, I have what you need to rid of the ghost, chica."

Mary looked at Jess, now interested in what she has to offer. "I'm listening..."

Jess smirked and gave a deep chuckle. "I knew you would be, amingo." Soon Jess opened her cloak to the side, flashing something bright and shiny. Mary had to shield her eyes until the radiant glow died down.

Soon she looked back and it was a duster.

It hung from Jess's cloak as she looked at Mary with a stupid double chin grin. Soon Mary got on all fours and started to crawl to jess, she reach her hand up and grabbed the duster. "Yoink." She winked at Jess and started to frantically crawl away, ignoring Jess's Spanish cries of protest.

\--

Mary now had the duster and she could now get rid of the ghost, but she had to hurry since it was 11:30 pm and it was close to midnight. There were worst things to fear than the creature downstairs.  
"Ah poopy I won't have time, I gotta feed the thing in the basement before 12. Oh well, better tell Emily we have a haunted toilet lol." Mary said to herself as she rest the duster on the side of her belt, maybe she'll keep it for later.

Soon she made her way downstairs and opened the door that lead to the basement, it was a bit drafty and dark. She heard a groan from deep in the room but she just sighed. "Omg stfu you emo furry, jeez you're so annoying." She said as she turned on the lights and walked down the steps as she held a bucket she got from no where.

The light spread around the room but it's was poorly lit, making it hard to see what were in the corners. But there was a box shape figure in the up left corner of the room, a pink laptop with flower stickers was in front of the figure though, the blue glow from the laptop outlining their curled corners.

"Hey faggot, it's dinner time." Mary called to the thing, looking at the depress looking prick who sat on the cold ground in the corner with his limited edition barbie laptop.

"I would've gotten away for it, if it weren't for you mangling kids..." A crooky voice of a man spoke, the boxy face now staring up at Mary who was approaching the box troll.

"We foiled your plans; Lampenis. The other week when you escaped you've traumatized about 4 kids." Mary said standing in front of the poor excuse of a human, laying the bucket down. "Eat up."

Jeremy, lampenis, looked over from their pink laptop and glaze down at the bucket that was filled with dried t-bags. "Earl grey? What happened to green tea-."

Baby legs was cut off as Mary delivered a ol' hard back of the hand pimp slap to his boxy flat face.

"Bitches don't ask questions."

Being the typical little bitch he was, he started to cry as tears stream down the cut-out holes for his eyes. Soon Mary walked away without looking at the lampenis. When she got to the chairs, it spoke up,

"You'll never get away with this." He said, curling his pathetic body on the cold ground. "It's almost midnight and when it comes for you, you'll see."

"Oh, but I already have." She said with a evil crackle, she slam the door behind her as she left.

\--

Soon Mary was upstairs in her room as she was praying infront of her shrine. See, when Mary sadly lost her bodypillow tragically to lampenis, she found a new daddy; Rick Trager. She kneel in front of the small shrine of Trager, candles lit on the side of the printed photo of the bacon man.

But soon her tranquility was soon disturbed as a noise of a loud bell from the ditances rung, she shot her eyes open as she realise the time; it was midnight. Before Mary could even do anything, she heard a sinister howl of a pitch voice from the mere distances.

_NICO, NICO NIIIIIIIIIIIIIII._

The howl cried and after that, the lit candles blew out.


End file.
